For you Tony...
I've been wrestling with myself.
Should I write this?
Should I expose you?
Would it inspire or discourage?
Is it right or wrong?
I intend to be a writer who writes what she feels, not what is "acceptable" or "appropriate".
This one's for you, Tony.
Your dramatics don't move me any longer.
Your "desolation" doesn't make your little girl sad.
Your lies regarding my mother don't hold truth or weight in my heart.
Your addictions are not my problem or responsibility.
The first time you put the gun in your mouth scared me, now it's a joke.
Quit crying wolf, coward.
Little girls need acceptance, you denied me.
Little girls need shelter, you did not provide.
Little girls need love, you were clueless.
Little girls need stability, you were quick sand.
Little girls need consistency, you were in and out.
Little girls need truth, you're a fucking liar.
You're only out for number one.
What can YOU squeeze out of this life?
What can YOU get for YOU?
Who can YOU benefit from?
Who can YOU use next?
This isn't about forgiveness Tony.
Don't throw a single verse at me.
I'll puke if you quote another scripture.
I know what the book says, damn it.
You stripped me of all affirmation.
You have no idea what that did to me.
At twenty four, I am learning to love myself.
I wish it was an easier lesson.
Your middle girl never quite did it for you, huh?
I've always been Jacque's.
I will never let you get to Lane, Auden or Koen.
I'll protect them.
You won't haunt my future.
I might get married and have a baby or two.
My husband will stay.
Your spell stops with me.
Joe Weido said you were "like the wind".
He couldn't have been more precise.
Blow in, blow out, you selfish son of a bitch.
flesh & bone
Have you ever given a good thought to sex appeal? What makes someone sexy? Currently, in my mid-twenties, my view on sex appeal has completely changed from what it meant to be sexy in my teen years. This premature view of sexuality even carried into my early twenties...
Ok, even a couple years ago.
Nope, honestly, my mind started changing a couple months ago.
This is recent.
Up until recent months, I imagined a female's "sex appeal" to be perky breasts, mid coke bottle waist and a tight ass. I think all of those things are GREAT. But, my mind wouldn't leave me alone about digging a little deeper to discover the true source of "SEXY". Now, while typing this out, I realize just how shallow my thoughts were. Sick.
This past month, I injured my right knee. The injury has been severe enough to prevent me from a good run, steal time from my work and repeatedly piss me off. Naturally, I've been comparing myself to a momma elephant, a fat momma elephant. A fat, slow, depressed momma elephant. You feel me?
One day, the Lord asked me to reflect on what my body has done. What has it seen and accomplished? It just took that one question to open the flood gates. A phrase has been on repeat in my mind and I can't shake it...
"may my flesh keep me warm and my bones hold me together"
My eyes were opened to a whole new wave of concepts, ideas and overall purpose. My entire life had been a roller coaster of self-hate, isolation, back and forth, blindness, comparison and torture. I knew, at some point, I had to stop hating Jodi. My brain was at constant war with my body and my heart was lost in the middle.
My eyes are my connection to people and their souls. They have allowed me to weep with these people and see big pictures instead of small flashes of opposition. I need to be able to see where I'm going, so thankful for vision.
My lips have allowed me to encourage people with words all over the earth. A simple word can make someone think, change their mind, warm their heart and shift their life. I love to talk to people and sometimes myself. Hearts connect through conversation.
My two arms help me reach out and hold onto life. Soaked in ink, they tell quite a story.
My hands have been cut, bruised and callused. The wear and tear was never without purpose. They hold Lane's face and wipe his tears. They wash dishes and chop vegetables. They drum on my dashboard. They enable me to make money and provide for my family. They comfort. They are a form of communication when I am pissed off on the freeway. They help me tell stories. They have been washed in the dirtiest water in the most beautiful countries.
I carried a life for nine months and then endured a vaginal delivery. Now, tell me that ain't sexy.
They keep up with my "never satisfied" lifestyle. When I'm ready to go, they are too. They have ran a few miles. They are required for dancing and I love to dance.
My feet have stood in the soil of three continents. They have propelled me into seasons. I stand on my feet and trust that I have many more places to plant them in.
So, my new idea of "sex appeal" trumps any label that society can throw at me. As a female, I want to feel sexy as an elderly, wrinkled, tattooed grandmother who has the coolest life stories. I don't want my sexiness to weigh on my ability to twerk my tight ass.
I end with a word to the women...
May your flesh keep you warm and your bones hold you together. May you see past society's expectation of you and view your body for what it's worth. It's worthy of touch, feel, comfort, taste, movement and desire. Reflect on what your body can do and what it has done. What has it brought you through? Keeping up with society's standards of "beauty" is a bullshit game that you will repeatedly lose.
And all the sexy females say, "hell ya."
A Spiritual Genocide
I wanted my first blog post EVER to be about something that makes people think.
So, here is how a simple Instagram post sent me into crazy town...
I was browsing Pinterest (imagine that) and came across this photo, I instantly loved it. As a believer, I thought to myself, I'm probably gonna take some heat for posting something of such a "repulsive" nature. I'm not sure of the message that the owner of this photo was trying to convey but I have my own message...
I began to think about how gay people have been treated by Christians, not all Christians, but a good amount of them. I began to think of the dark hole that they have been placed in and couldn't justify why this has been done for years. Why are premature sex, drug addiction, killings, adultery and a multitude of other sins placed in a "safe box" for the church to work through and fix but being gay is thought of as THE SIN of all sin? The monstrous sin that is untouchable?
As a woman who is very much so attracted to men, I wonder what it feels like to be an X in an O world? How does it feel to have such strong feelings for the same sex in a world that labels you as an alien if you are homosexual? Dude, I bet that sucks. I want to be clear that I do not "promote" homosexuality, I do not believe that same sex, intimate relationships were a part of God's original plan for His earth. But I also know for a fact that my own personal sins were not in God's original plan either...
So I talked to Him...
Me- "God I don't understand how people can have so much hate? Why can't we just live together and figure out the other stuff one day at a time? I love love love gay people, I feel like you've given me that love in my heart."
God- "I love that you love the gay people and yes that is my love in you. Homosexuality has never personally affected your life or your loved ones. What I'm asking is, can you love the meth addict who broke your son's heart and changed his life forever?"
FUCK. Why did He have to ask me a question like that?
So, my original plan was to combat a "spiritual genocide" that is being used to alienate the gays, I never thought about the people that I had zero love for. Damn my heart for believing it was so full of love for ALL. Now my mind wars against spiritual genocide on all of God's people, from all walks of life, even the walks of life that my heart has been crushed by.
To conclude, I wasn't posting this picture to convey to the world, "Sin is awesome!! Get over it!!!" I posted it to say, "We all have sin! Just as much as I can have premarital sex at age 16 and still believe in Christ, a man can have sex with a man and still believe that Christ died a brutal death for him too!!" Get real if you think you and I are any better than a priest holding a "risky" sign that might cause some uproar.
Thank you for reading.