Ok, even a couple years ago.
Nope, honestly, my mind started changing a couple months ago.
This is recent.
Up until recent months, I imagined a female's "sex appeal" to be perky breasts, mid coke bottle waist and a tight ass. I think all of those things are GREAT. But, my mind wouldn't leave me alone about digging a little deeper to discover the true source of "SEXY". Now, while typing this out, I realize just how shallow my thoughts were. Sick.
This past month, I injured my right knee. The injury has been severe enough to prevent me from a good run, steal time from my work and repeatedly piss me off. Naturally, I've been comparing myself to a momma elephant, a fat momma elephant. A fat, slow, depressed momma elephant. You feel me?
One day, the Lord asked me to reflect on what my body has done. What has it seen and accomplished? It just took that one question to open the flood gates. A phrase has been on repeat in my mind and I can't shake it...
"may my flesh keep me warm and my bones hold me together"
My eyes were opened to a whole new wave of concepts, ideas and overall purpose. My entire life had been a roller coaster of self-hate, isolation, back and forth, blindness, comparison and torture. I knew, at some point, I had to stop hating Jodi. My brain was at constant war with my body and my heart was lost in the middle.
My eyes are my connection to people and their souls. They have allowed me to weep with these people and see big pictures instead of small flashes of opposition. I need to be able to see where I'm going, so thankful for vision.
My lips have allowed me to encourage people with words all over the earth. A simple word can make someone think, change their mind, warm their heart and shift their life. I love to talk to people and sometimes myself. Hearts connect through conversation.
My two arms help me reach out and hold onto life. Soaked in ink, they tell quite a story.
My hands have been cut, bruised and callused. The wear and tear was never without purpose. They hold Lane's face and wipe his tears. They wash dishes and chop vegetables. They drum on my dashboard. They enable me to make money and provide for my family. They comfort. They are a form of communication when I am pissed off on the freeway. They help me tell stories. They have been washed in the dirtiest water in the most beautiful countries.
I carried a life for nine months and then endured a vaginal delivery. Now, tell me that ain't sexy.
They keep up with my "never satisfied" lifestyle. When I'm ready to go, they are too. They have ran a few miles. They are required for dancing and I love to dance.
My feet have stood in the soil of three continents. They have propelled me into seasons. I stand on my feet and trust that I have many more places to plant them in.
So, my new idea of "sex appeal" trumps any label that society can throw at me. As a female, I want to feel sexy as an elderly, wrinkled, tattooed grandmother who has the coolest life stories. I don't want my sexiness to weigh on my ability to twerk my tight ass.
I end with a word to the women...
May your flesh keep you warm and your bones hold you together. May you see past society's expectation of you and view your body for what it's worth. It's worthy of touch, feel, comfort, taste, movement and desire. Reflect on what your body can do and what it has done. What has it brought you through? Keeping up with society's standards of "beauty" is a bullshit game that you will repeatedly lose.
And all the sexy females say, "hell ya."